Adventures in Sexism II

Many of you may have had this experience: While with a coworker, friend, or family member, a third party approaches and greets the person you're with. They don't, however, look at you, say hello, or even acknowledge your presence. Through their dismissal, they make it clear: You are beneath them.

Tonight, my husband and I visited a local Souper Salad. It's generally a good place for a healthy, inexpensive meal in a casual setting. The restaurant we visited was quite empty and quiet--only a few older people sitting here and there. Most of the staff were gathered around a table near the back, gossiping and laughing loudly. As we walked in, one began calling for "Cody", the host. Soon Cody appeared, then approached my husband and I.

Once at the register, Cody only looked at and spoke to my husband. This didn't surprise or bother me, however, as I wasn't interacting with him. Their exchange was short and very basic. My husband paid for our meal, collected the receipt, and we both turned to walk towards the buffet. Then, Cody called out:

"Have a good meal, sir."

The statement was unnecessary--a backhanded slap--and I whirled around in surprise. His inflection was clear: although I was standing next to him, Cody spoke only to my husband. As far as he was concerned, I wasn't even there.

My husband recognized Cody's intention and paused as he walked towards me. "Apparently only I'm supposed to enjoy my meal," he said, with a mixture of sarcasm and indignation. Despite the fact that I'd suddenly turned towards him, Cody still didn't acknowledge my presence. Instead, he spun on his heel and walked away.

I didn't know what to think. I've experienced similar things before: police officers who only spoke to my husband, customer service people who refused to look at me, servers who automatically gave the meal ticket to my husband, etc. But this was different, somehow. "Have a good meal, sir". Not only did I not count--I didn't even exist.

I leaned my hands on the buffet counter and tried to collect my thoughts. I was angry. But more than that, I felt as though Cody had somehow "shamed" me, reduced me with one word to something less than human. A child. A servant. A non-entity.

We spent a few minutes eating, but my appetite was gone. My husband and I walked out, with the server weakly calling after us: "Have a good night..?".

I find myself frustrated that I can't accurately convey the impression this left on me. The awareness that I didn't count, simply because of my gender, was resounding. Worse still, it didn't appear Cody was being intentionally malicious or spiteful--I think he would have said the same to any man and woman who came in together. While Cody could technically 'see' me--in his mind, I didn't warrant his attention. No more than an insect. Insignificant. Some thing to ignore.

Have any of you had a similar experience?